


reminisce about all

by chengszidian



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Memories, Trans Armin Arlert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:55:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29979759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chengszidian/pseuds/chengszidian
Summary: Jean Kirschtein is that kind of crush you never completely get over with. Armin knows that very well.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein
Comments: 7
Kudos: 38





	reminisce about all

As his drunk friends belt out high notes from the song they chose to perform in the karaoke bar, Armin's sitting on the couch, beer in hand and only a little tipsy, but not enough to join Eren and Floch's silly, loud duet.

The blond man loves karaoke nights, always has; when in college, he used to have one almost every weekend, when his friends and him weren’t busy with exams. Armin’s best memories came rightly from those moments of freedom, carelessness, unconcerned about his impending future and goals. 

He’s going through these memories while listening to his friends not even nail one of the notes of Kesha’s 2010s hit, _Tik Tok_. His blond locks shake along with his head when the two choose the next song for them to perform: _You Belong With Me_ , one of Taylor Swift’s many timeless classics. It’s a pop renaissance night so far. Eren tries to drag Armin in between Floch and him and get the boy to sing; he finally complies, starting weakly but gaining full confidence as soon as they reach the chorus. 

Suddenly, Armin’s mind is filled by an oddly specific memory he’s never revisited before, but it's probably fueled by his trip down memory lane from moments ago. 

In it there are him and his college crush, Jean Kirschtein, both drunk out of their minds and surrounded by their group of friends. They were probably celebrating the end of the semester, Armin can’t really place that shard in the right context at the moment, but it sure as hell looks like a party. In the memory, Jean was sitting cross legged on the floor, playing his acoustic guitar by a sheet he’d probably found on a random website, while Armin sang that same Taylor Swift song completely off-key. Unbeknownst to Jean, Armin was actually dedicating the lyrics to him; not that the blond ever confessed, he had always been afraid of ruining their bond. Also, he had always felt like he wasn’t attractive or charismatic enough to be with someone like Jean, _the_ Jean Kirschtein. 

Once the trio’s time in the karaoke room is up, Armin walks Eren and Floch to the subway so they can return to their shared flat safe and sound, but something tells him they’re too drunk to be left to their own devices, so the blond just invites himself over to their house - it’s not like this hasn’t happened before, in fact it’s such a recurring occurrence, Armin knows the way to Eren’s house as if it’s his own.

On their journey home, Armin finds himself lost in his own thoughts again, and he goes back to that one memory that popped in his head earlier. 

Actually reflecting on it, he remembers that it was in fact an occurrence from a New Year's Eve night his whole group of friends spent together at Eren's house, large enough for ten people to sleep over at once. Armin recalls there was a mistletoe hanging right in front of the fireplace, and his romantic, sappy past self badly wanted to bring Jean underneath it so to have an excuse to give him even the gentlest peck on the lips. The blond shuts his eyes and slaps his forehead, as to forget what he just thought about. 

But his brain is unhinged: how's Jean doing now?

“Armin,” Eren whines, “why are you beating yourself?” he asks, mimicking what the friend did just a moment ago.

Armin gives him a soft smile. “I'm dumb, Eren”.

“Noooooo, you can't say that! You're so smart,” the man retorts, spluttering the words. Armin chuckles as Eren keeps blabbering about how the blond shouldn't bring himself down so much, while Floch tries to silence him because he wants to sleep, but the dark haired guy just shushes the other with no remorse at all. Their shenanigans don't fail in keeping Armin distracted from his own mind, and he's very grateful to be with the two at a moment like this.

Once at home, Armin keeps himself busy by arranging what will be his bed for the night, while his two friends bicker on who has to use the bathroom first. He wonders how they manage to live together, but he doesn't dwell too much on it.

When Eren and Floch are ready to go to bed, Armin takes one of his childhood friend's pyjamas and locks himself in the bedroom to get changed. He's still somehow self conscious of his body, especially when naked; the blond looks at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and instead of his eyes, the scars on his chest feel like they're staring back at him, mocking him. Armin closes his eyes and shakes his head, trying to get rid of that intrusive thought, and his mind finds once again refuge in the memories with Jean. The man sighs, at this point too tired to even fight back and avoid the reminiscing.

Jean was there for Armin's first ever t-shot; he had even helped organise a little party for the friend, who could never forget the 'congrats on getting male privilege' cake Sasha had baked back then. 

Jean was there for Armin's first ever surgery, which was also one of the most important ones in his life. The young man brought him flowers, white and pink statices, Armin's favourites, and once he had recovered, Jean took him to the biggest book store in their city and told him to choose something he really wanted as a gift, because the poor guy didn't really know how many books Armin had read.

“Don't worry about the price,” he smiled. “I've got it covered”.

Armin hugged him tightly, although the motion hurt his chest a little. “Thank you, Jean”.

Jean had been there for a lot of Armin's milestones, and unfortunately, also for the one that separated them. Once they had graduated from university, their lives took different paths. Armin would pursue a PhD abroad, to further prepare for his dream job, while Jean would move to another city, where he had found a job as a substitute French teacher. 

On the day of Armin's departure, all of his closest friends were there to say goodbye: Eren, Mikasa, Connie, Sasha, Marco and Jean all went to his house to hug him as tight and as long as they could, wishing him well and to keep them updated on everything. Jean insisted on going to the airport along with the blond and his childhood friends, who wanted to stretch the time they could spend with him as long as possible. Much to Armin's surprise, Jean was on the verge of tears when the trio saw him off before he got in line for the security check, and sprinted to hug the blond one last time, almost tackling him to the ground with his weight.

“I love you, Armin,” Jean said in between sniffles. “Take good care of yourself and don't forget about me… promise?”

Armin smiled, drowning in Jean's scent, in Jean's neck, in Jean's everything. “I promise, and I love you too, silly goose”.

He had said those words without thinking much of it, using that nickname as a sign of affection just like he always did, because of course Jean must have meant it as one of their usual, friendly I-love-yous. As he entered the security check, though, there wasn't much more Armin could do about that.

Unfortunately, due to their busy lives and of course distance, as much as they both tried, their bond faltered, but their promise wasn't broken– at least on Armin's side. He hasn't forgotten about Jean, at all, but they simply don't speak to each other much, especially since they haven't met up ever since that day and Armin isn't your average social media user. He does have an Instagram account, but it was set by Eren and Mikasa before he departed for his PhD; after that was over, he started using it to watch silly five minutes crafts videos, which he still finds weirdly entertaining for some reason.

Back in the solitude of Eren and Floch's bathroom, Armin notices tears forming in his eyes, so he washes his face to get rid of them, and then walks to Eren's bedroom, where he set up the inflatable mattress. To his chagrin, the young man's still awake; he just wanted to cry freely while hugging the pillow, but the plan has been postponed.

“Hey, Eren, are you okay?” the blond asks. “Do you need water or a bucket or whatever?”

Eren slowly shakes his head, visibly fighting to keep his eyes open, but his expression looks concerned. “I wanted to check on you,” he mumbles. “You seem sad”.

“Not really, my head's just full of thoughts”.

“About what?” Eren asks, voice sleepy and slurred.

“You remember Jean, don't you?” The other nods in response. “Well, some memories popped up while singing tonight and I just went on a whole ass tangent,” Armin chuckles, trying to shake it off coolly.

“Wait, you know he liked you back, right?”

These words awaken _something in Armin_ , a sensation he can't quite define: is it hope? And for what? A relationship that won't ever happen? Something that was and will always stay in the past? 

“No, I didn't! How would you know?!” the blond hisses, but Eren's eyes gave up just a second before the question could be spoken, so it remains unanswered for Armin.

As he starts regretting his life decisions – _if only I had known, I should've confessed, why was I so insecure back then, he gave me so many hints, oh my god so that one 'I love you' wasn't meant in a friendly way_ – he lays in bed and takes his phone out of his bag, determined on opening whatsapp and send a text to Jean, to somehow reconnect. 

Once he's done typing and revising every single line of the message to make it _perfect_ , Armin gets a notification from Instagram; he opens it, and his smile widens as he reads the words on his screen.

_**jean.kirschtein** _  
_Heyo, Armin!! :D We haven't talked in such a long time, how are you?_

Armin can't actually believe his eyes: is this really happening?

Then, another message pops up in the chat.

**_jean.kirschtein_ **  
_Just noticed it's like 2am… haha i'm sorryyyy please forgive me~ but for some reason today you came up in a conversation i had with a coworker and i started wondering about you so i figured… might as well try and text (changed phones and lost your number unfortunately :( )_

Quickly followed by another one.

**_jean.kirschtein_ **  
_so i'm going back to our hometown to visit my mother next weekend, i was wondering if you were up to meet for a coffee or whatever?? my treat, if you're there_

Armin's heart flips in his ribcage; he technically has gotten over Jean, especially since during his time spent abroad he had been in a relationship with a girl named Annie, but all these coincidences are making him dizzy and emotional, in the best way possible.

Armin has always liked to believe in destiny, and now, said destiny is giving him a second chance: who is he to let it slip away?

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed this very self indulgent work ehehe
> 
> if you wanna scream together about jearmin here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/chengszidian)!


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